Damn, Everything Is Good Except The Sex
It’s such a tragedy, really. There’s nothing is worse in a relationship than having strong feelings for someone that can please you in every area, except for one… the bedroom. Imagine this: you have been dating this person for a while. Everything is going great. You two haven’t sealed the deal yet sexually. But the temptation is rising. Then, the time finally comes to do the deed. And the sex was… hands down, the worst sex you’ve EVER had.
You have just realized that though everyone can have sex, that doesn’t mean that they are good at it. Great sex can make a good relationship even better, but bad sex can completely derail a relationship and for many people is a total disqualifier. So, what do you do now? Stick it out and relegate yourself to sub-par sex or run for the hills in hopes of finding it better someplace else?
“No one is born a great cook — it’s a skill you cultivate,” says Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D. Astroglide’s resident sexologist. “We really should treat sex the same way and draw from a variety of sources, bearing in mind that there is not right way to cook or have sex — we each have different tastes.”
How do you know when it’s a complete deal breaker? Keep in mind that what happens in the bedroom is only a part of what makes for a great relationship. There are many ways to sustain a relationship and sex doesn’t have to be the end all be all. But, if you’re having better sex with your vibrator or masturbation sleeve than your partner that might be a problem.
Here are a few things to try before cutting ties to ensure a satisfying sex life for both you and your partner.
1. Identify Why I Was “Bad”
- Was it the first time? If so, there’s bound to be some awkwardness going on as you are experiencing each other for the first time. Is there a complete lack of chemistry or was nervousness, self-consciousness or was alcohol to blame? If you’re in the thick of a relationship there could be other things triggering your bedroom boredom like you no longer being attracted to the person due to aging or weight gain? You need to figure out what went wrong before you can figure out a solution.
- Telling your partner that they are awful in bed can be a challenge. It’s a touchy subject and one that’s difficult to approach. Whatever you do please don’t say OMG, WTF was that? Scolding your partner in the heat of the moment is definitely not the best way to resolve your issue. You definitely want to have this before the next time you have sex (if there is a next time). You want your partner’s attention solely on you while expressing your desires. Open up the conversation in a kind and non-shaming way. Communicate about what turns you on just as much about what isn’t working. Any signs of hostility on from you or brutal attacks on your partner’s skills may bruise their ego or just send them packing. In return the partner on the receiving end of the conversation should be respectful, understanding of your concerns and resist the urge to get defensive or upset at the feedback. If they clam up, get angry or their pride is more important to them then you being left unsatisfied might be time to peace out. This is a potential red flag and a good indication of how they deal with communicating about tough issues in general.
3. Be a Tour Guide
- Everyone likes sex differently and one style does not fit all. If they aren’t doing it for you, you might just need to point them in the right direction. It is possible to reprogram your partner to press your buttons just the way you like. Guide your partner in detail to where and how you wanted to be touched. Show them how you like to be treated in the bedroom. Try a game of S&M, make your partner the submissive one. After you’re done getting it in, explain to him/her why those moves/positions worked for you and he’ll know how to reciprocate on the next go round even if they are the one in charge.
4. Try New Things Together
- Create new bedroom experiences together by adding a vibrator, dildo or bondage gear to the mix. There is a better chance of you both discovering bedroom synergy since the experience will be new for both of you.
5. Show Them How It’s Done
- Some people are visual learners. If your partner is having a hard time understanding how to please you, show them exactly how to get the job done. Showing them what gets you off will be a major turn on. Try mutual masturbation; you show them, then lead their hand to the promised land, you reciprocate whatever they want in return. Trading sexual favors in the bedroom not only allows you to learn what turns your partner on, but you get to teach them as well.
6. Take Charge
- All else fails, take the lead, and get into the position that will help you climax. Taking charge allows you treat your partner how you want to be treated. You can also take on the role of dominatrix giving detailed instructions to your partner. The role-playing will also conceal your intensions to improve your sexual satisfaction.
7. Find a New Partner
- Sometimes it’s not that either one of you is necessarily bad in bed, it’s just that you’re incompatible. Not everyone has the patience to teach their partner how to please them. And some people are also uncomfortable having a conversation about increasing sexual satisfaction. Some things cannot be taught, if its size that’s lacking, there’s not much a man can do about that. You have to decide what you’re willing to compromise on. Or on the other hand, some people have tried all the tricks in the book to improve their partner’s sex game, but nothing worked —might be time to face the facts and move on.
Don’t be afraid to communicate with your partner either verbally or physically about your bedroom needs. No one’s a mind reader and the feedback might just do you both some good.